So today I'm in the process of repenting for my drunken actions last night. You know, I'm doing whatever repent-y people do. If you have any idea what repent-y people do indeed do, can you let me know? Because I'm just kind of making it up as I go along; it's not that I don't think that amusing yourself with a bendy lamp isn't some form of repentance ... wait, what am I talking about? That's exactly what I'm thinking. I'm also thinking it more so indicates that there is something wrong with me than anything else, including being repent-y.
Oh, so about my drunken tirade, it wasn't so much a tirade, nor was it drunken. I just used the word because I couldn't think of what word I actually wanted to use (something which has been happening to me an awful lot as of late - probably because my brain is so murky from the heat). Although, I did do something which I deeply, deeply regret. It is by far one of the most ghastly things that I have ever done in my life. And you must take this seriously, as I've done many, many dreadful things, such as eating dirt and dog food (no seriously, my mom had to hide it from me when I was younger or else I would often end up snacking on it - I was probably just trying to unleash the ferocious animal within me), sticking my finger in the crack of a door to see what would happen and wearing black platform boots for 15 hours straight. Gasp, I know, I was stupid.
But nothing that I have done in my eventful life thus far can top what I did last night. Absolutely nothing.
By now I'm sure you have a million ideas as to what exactly I have done. I can you hear all the exclamations buzzing around in your little brains: did you decide to take your love of sunscreen one step crazier and begin ingesting it as you would most likely do?! Did you decide that it was a good idea to take your mom's porcelain figurines and perform physics experiments on them (ie drop them out the window)?! Did you go on your roof to fly your kite in the middle of last night's thunderstorm?!
The answer is no, no and no - sadly. I wish I had done these things, yeah, even the whole roof kite thunderstorm gig that would have most likely ended in a complete and utter catastrophe: that's how ghastly the act that I committed last night truly was. And I don't think my mom owns any porcelain figurines. She's got a tea set though, so that clearly makes up for it in my book - as it should in yours. Like seriously, you aren't anyone if you don't own a tea set. How the fuck are you going to drink your tea then? Yeah, I went there; I used a f-bomb, that's how strongly I feel about tea sets.
Alright, alright, I'll cut to the chase as I know you are all mostly likely on the very edge of your seat, clutching your chair all dramatic and the like, desperately trying to hold on to refrain from falling to the floor to see what atrocious thing I have done now. Ok, take a few deep breaths, as you are most likely not going to believe the next sentence ... Last night I did something that I vowed I would never do, I got Twitter. Yes, I'm serious. I now 'tweet'.
Tweet, tweet, tweet. And yes, I may or may not run around my room flapping my arms like a bird every time I say that. And I may or may not fall down in the process of doing so. Don't judge me.
I can just hear you asking, well, Kelsey, why the fuck would you do that? My answer, I don't fucking know ok?! I have no freaking clue as to why on Earth I would do that, especially when I detest Twitter and everything it stands for so goddamn much. I must have been possessed. Yeah, that's right, possessed, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation doesn't it? And you know what, I bet it was the ghost of the bird that died in my garage (if there is even such bird, I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet that at some point in time, a bird has indeed died in my garage as a) birds seem to frequent our house and b) our house is old as time itself - or seemingly at least). Yes, this is all making perfect sense, I was merely possessed by a species of creatures that seem to loathe everything I stand for. Oh and, the tweeting part of it - totally points to the birds as well.
So I suppose this is the point in the blog where I do some shameless self promoting and say hey, follow me on Twitter and stuff. But I wouldn't know, since I've never been good at the whole self promoting thing anyhow. My brilliant username would be kel_zee_belle - yeah, I know, can you tell I made it at night?
Oh, I was so mad because I originally wanted to make it sunscreenaddict - but some biznitch ahead of me took it. How dare they, I know! I wanted to cracked some skulls ... but this would have been impossible for me because I have weak arms and a short attention span, and it was at about two in the morning. I had to settle for snapping my finger and saying 'oh darn', but it wasn't as satisfying, if you know what I mean.
So long story short, I was possessed by a bird and made a horrible mistake by getting Twitter. Oh, I also like tea sets and I can't crack skulls. And I fall down, a lot.
Ps. If you understood the Arrested Development quote as the title, award yourself ten bonus points. However, as I've already reiterated what seems to be countless of times, these actual bonus points have no meaning, nor no redeemable value. I know, I know, it's incredibly disappointing and everything; tell you what, to make it up to you guys, I will draw you a picture of a flower. Flowers are nice, don't you think?
Ps. Never said it would be good now did I? If you thought it would be good, well, gosh darn it, your darn expectations are too high. Go lower them. Now. Don't come back until they're lower.
I'm totally kidding, please come back, I have this psychological need where people MUST read my incoherent babbles. I swear, it's probably some sort of complex or something. Yeah, I know it might come as a shock to you, but I'm complex man. And deep - but mostly just complex.
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