Sadie, My Sweet Girl

I remember the first day we got her: me, Steph, Graeme and Mom got in the car and drove for hours, or what seemed like hours because we were all so young. She was the one wearing a yellow ribbon. We were originally going to get the dog that was wearing the pink ribbon, however, when my mom laid eyes on the dog in the yellow, she just knew. And I remember going home that my brother, being only four years old, cried because we were taking her away from her mom, her family.

We didn't name her for awhile, we were waiting for something to pop out at us, something characteristic so her name would have meaning. It came after we realized that she loved sitting in the shade, so we called her Sadie, which was taken from shady.

And Sadie spent the last 12 years with us, just being a part of our family. That's what my brother didn't fully understand the day we got her, we weren't taking her away from her family, we were bringing her into our family, her family.

And now she's sick. She got old, sure, but she always our puppy. She was always the same gentle, kind, loving dog. But now she's sick, and she won't get better. She won't ever get better. And I wish she would, I wish so hard that she would, but she won't. We have to put her down tomorrow. Tomorrow. I just found out this afternoon that tonight is the last night she will ever be in our lives. I will never get to see my puppy again after I go to bed tonight. And I can't handle this. I can't stop crying. I just can't stop.

And the worse part for me is looking into her eyes, her eyes which used to be so full of life and so full of joy, eyes that have become empty, vacant, glassed over, and knowing that she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why we're so sad, although she tries to comfort us, and she doesn't understand that after tomorrow, she will never see any of us again. We will never see her again. I'll never see her again. I'll walk down the stairs tomorrow morning, expecting to see her laying down on the floor, as she always is in the morning, but she won't be. She will never greet me again, she will never be with me again. And I can't change this, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to change this. And my heart just breaks because of this, and tears just spill - and no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop them.

I hope you rest easy Sadie, my sweet, sweet puppy, and I know you can't understand how much you've changed this family - but I sure wish you could. You've made us happier than anything else, and we will all miss you so much. And we will always love you, and remember you. I will always love you, and remember you. And I would give anything not to have to say goodbye.

"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives."

Do you know how impossibly frustrating it is to want to write, and yet, words can't seem to come out in a coherent sense? No matter how hard you try, the words that miraculously manage to form on to the paper are completely dull, and hopelessly contrived. And then you feel angry, angry that you can't express yourself, angry that you can't write, even though it is the simplest thing ever, and it's what you were born to do. Angry that you can't be who you once were, and have stories, thoughts, desires, just spill out in this perfect poetic prose. And then you just feel like giving up, so everything that you want to say remains bottled up, and festers inside of you. It just festers, and festers, and festers until you start crying, slam down your laptop, and hate yourself. Then you actually give up entirely, and before long you just stop writing and lose a piece of yourself completely, a piece that won't come back -- do you know what that feels like? It fucking sucks. It's fucking draining, I'm dying inside and nothing will come out. I reread my words, and they're so fucking bad, I just want to throw up.

How did I get to this place?

I don't know what it is ...

... but my brain doesn't even know how to think anymore, let alone put coherent thoughts down on paper. My creativity has been zapped out of me lately, and for the life of me, I don't know why. All I know is it's annoying because once again my thoughts are becoming too squished up in that tiny brain of mine, and I need them to just spill out before I go crazy. Again.

Actually crazy. Again.

I'M THE BOSS BITCH.

Pad Thai is Some Groovy Stuff ... No, really.

Soo, I had Pad Thai for the very first time today ... and as soon as I typed that I immediately thought of Madonna's 'Like a Virgin'. I don't even know why I know that song, since anyone who knows me knows I'm practically a music noob. I also don't know why I'm telling you that's what I thought of, since it probably doesn't leave the greatest of impressions ... I swear, my mind isn't in the gutter! ... At least not all the time.

Basically, I lost my Thai virginity today - that's what I'm trying to get at in a very unorthodox and roundabout way. And I finally got there, huzzah.

Platypus. Yeah that's right. I just felt like randomly inserting 'platypus'. So I did; I have great powers that allow me to do so - be jealous. Or just make your own blog and then you can insert all the words you want into posts like 'explosive diarrhea', 'bulbous' and 'spattergroit'. NO! Self, must not give others ideas like this! Don't want other people to write blogs and steal all your readers! Won't survive if this happens!

How schizophrenic do I sound right now? Because I'm thinking it's somewhere along the lines of very very. Oh, and if you pictured me saying that while hitting myself on the head with a caveman club, your picture is quite accurate I'll admit. Except I don't have a caveman club so I had to settle for this mini baseball bat souvenir from a Toronto Blue Jays game that I went to when I was a young'un.

Anyway, I went to a restaurant, had a very stimulating conversation which made me feel all intellectual like ... actually, no, not really, it's summer. And then I ate. Pad Thai. Which I've already established. I don't like being redundant, yet I find myself being incredibly redundant. And instead of deleting these words, I'm continuing on typing them, which is the epitome of redundancy in and of itself. Oh, did I mention I despise redundancy? ... How's that for being redundant?

THIS IS MADNESS .... THIS IS REDUNDANCY!

Hehem, carrying on, the Pad Thai was good, a little bit of spicy and at one point I thought that my mouth was going to combust, but then I just used my brain and just drank some water and after that it was s'all good (I know, I'm brilliant). I didn't finish it all, which, if you know me, isn't surprising since I never finish anything at a restaurant but I was feeling good: my tummy was all warm, fuzzy and full.

(Me eating the spicy Pad Thai)

When I got back to my house a mere few hours later, all of a sudden I was extremely tired. I barely made it to my bed before I crashed into a fitful sleep during which I vaguely remember dreaming about babysitting an alligator that kept biting my hands off(a recurring dream of mine nonetheless).

I woke up a few hours later, 3 to be exact, and that's when things started to get weird. I woke up, drenched in sweat might I add, and ran downstairs because I was supposed to do the dishes before my mudder got home (thankfully my sister covered for me). However, as I was walking back to my room I experienced the strangest sensation in which it felt like I had no arms or legs, merely just a nub of a chest - it almost felt like floating in a sense.

When I got back to my room, I just sat on my bed and looked at the floor. For a good 20 minutes ... The carpet colour (black) was highly amusing to me and I, again, had a hard time believing it was real. At one point I was petting it, and then lying down on it rolling around.

I've had this carpet for seven years now - and despite what you may think, I just don't go rolling around on it for no reason, nor do I have I ever believed it's not real.

After that I couldn't get up off the floor, so I just laid down I waved my hands in front of my face and then I had this deep discussion with my self about how weird thumbs and fingers really are, all the while trying to pull them off my hand. Yes, literally pull them off - in case you're wondering, it didn't work and then I stopped because it started to hurt (no duh huh?).

(Me whacked out on Pad Thai)

The whole thing was weird, and when I think it's weird, you know it's weird. I still feel a little funny. I should probably go try to sleep it off now.

PS. Yeah, explosive diarrhea, bulbous and spattergroit were the first three words popped in my head, what does that tell you about me? NO! I do NOT need psychoanalysis thank you very much. I'm a normal and sane as the next person, aside from the very minor difference that I'm psychic and stuff.

PPS. In case you're wondering how I could babysit an alligator that kept biting my hands off, its simple; you see, I have the power of regeneration. Duh.

PPPS. Clearly you can tell that I'm still under the influence of this Pad Thai because this post is ... weird. Even I realize it's weird. Which probably means that it's weird to the power of ten and you're mind blown right now because I've reached new elements of weirdness. Or just really confused. Either way, I think my mission has been accomplished.

PPPPS. In retrospect, the grooviness I experienced could have also just been a result of the fact that I only got two hours of sleep last night, but sshh ... I like the Pad Thai explanation way better.

Craptop Update

Ah yes, this is a blog post dedicated to my very own laptop, or as I prefer to call it, my craptop. For that is what it truly was, complete and utter crap. If you are a new reader to this blog, and have yet peruse through my older posts, you probably have not a single iota of what I'm taking about. On a side note, I don't really know what 'iota' even really means, so one could say that I don't have an iota of what I'm talking about either, but that's not really new now, is it?

Ok, my curiosity got the better of me and I absolutely had to, that's right, HAD to, look the word up. The first response I got was the ninth letter of the Greek alphabet, which both worried and confused me, since that definition would have made it crystal clear that I really do have no idea what I'm talking about. And then my ruse would have been up, as y'all would have seen right through it. And then you, my readers, having been lied to, would have strayed away. And then my life would lose all meaning, since I literally live for this blog right here. And then the universe itself would have disintegrated into nothing, because I'm that important. Basically, it would have been a catastrophe. But then, as my English teachers taught me to, I kept reading on - I'm a good little student. The second definition was 'an extremely small amount'. I was elated as I stumbled across this; you see, I do know what I'm talking about :D. Sometimes ... Ok, let's just pretend I know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, to sum it up, I once had a Dell laptop that was probably the most sadistic creation on the planet. It literally lived to make my life a living hell, and often succeed in its ambitious endeavours. You could name anything that goes wrong with computers, and my Dell most likely did this. Freeze? Check. Corrupt my files randomly? Check. Shutdown suddenly? Check. Hard drive crashes? Check. Lag like there was no tomorrow? Check. Smell like pungent smoke? Check. This machine literally drove me crazy, bananas, up the wall, bonkers and the like. During my last few days of high school I lost not one, but two brilliant essays, I swear they could have won the Nobel prize for literature, and I'm not exaggerating ... much - the night before they were due. One of which was due on the day I wrote my exam. I ended up having to rewrite my essay and having NO time to study for the exam whatsoever - thanks laptop, I appreciate that. A lot.

You mother f-ing SOB you. @#)$)@#$@#)*

Yeah, but no, the thing hated me for some reason, and after awhile the feeling was mutual. After the last straw, aka the incident that I described above, I began fantasizing about dropping this machine out the window. Just slamming it down on the ground, and then, and even better, start attacking it with a sledge hammer would allow me to have my catharsis that I so desperately needed. But alas, I could not as I didn't have a replacement laptop. And in my book having the shittiest laptop on the planet is better than having no laptop at all, you know?

But then, in an unplanned, yet swift move, I exacted my revenge in such a sweet motion, I look back upon it in awe: I got a job. And then using then using the moolah that I earned from said job, I bought myself a machine that would appreciate me, and love me, the way my Dell had never learned how to do.

At last, I have a legitimate opportunity to have a real catharsis. Yes, this mother f-ing sucka is actually going to get dropped out of the window - expect the video real soon. The only thing that is stopping me is that I have to get some pictures and files off of it before I do that, as I wouldn't want to lose years worth of important life works right? And you know me, I was just too lazy to do this right after I got my mac.

But not anymore! As of this afternoon, that sucker is prepped for the experience of his short, but seemingly long - very very very long - life. In a few short days I shall be heralded as the killer of laptops, a title which I have aptly been anticipating. Now all I need to do is prepare myself mentally and charge the video camera and we are all set.

Note to self: charge the video camera and learn your own cellphone number, something which you still have yet to do, even though you've had the number for eons.

Hark, a segue! (I just randomly felt like saying hark, don't judge me. It's fun to say, you try it. Go on, try it. Hark, hark, hark, hark, hark. HARK. Told you, it's fun).

So while I was sorting out all my pictures I came across a few real gems. Take for example the loverly picture as seen below. I look awesome. And stupid. But that's the point, it's from Halloween when I dressed up as Malibu Barbie. 'OMG, like, I totally like saying things in a Valley voice and like, I love pink and like, I'm in love with Ken my lover. Oooh ahhh. Funny story, once I was dying my hair peroxide blond (oh please, you didn't think that this was my real hair colour now did you?) and then I killed all my brain cells - it was so worth it though because now I look all perty. He he.' I totally pulled it off.

Argh, you're right, I'm just jealous. Fuck it, I want to be Barbie. I don't care about having brain cells, I just want to be content with my peroxide hair and my love for pink. Why does the doll get to have all the fun?! Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy?

Ok, if you guessed that I'm writing this really early in the morning, hey, you're right! That's why the above two paragraphs really make no sense. I'm getting kind of loopy since it's almost four. I have to get up in two hours. Why do I do this to myself?!

"I've Made A Horrible Mistake"

So today I'm in the process of repenting for my drunken actions last night. You know, I'm doing whatever repent-y people do. If you have any idea what repent-y people do indeed do, can you let me know? Because I'm just kind of making it up as I go along; it's not that I don't think that amusing yourself with a bendy lamp isn't some form of repentance ... wait, what am I talking about? That's exactly what I'm thinking. I'm also thinking it more so indicates that there is something wrong with me than anything else, including being repent-y.

Oh, so about my drunken tirade, it wasn't so much a tirade, nor was it drunken. I just used the word because I couldn't think of what word I actually wanted to use (something which has been happening to me an awful lot as of late - probably because my brain is so murky from the heat). Although, I did do something which I deeply, deeply regret. It is by far one of the most ghastly things that I have ever done in my life. And you must take this seriously, as I've done many, many dreadful things, such as eating dirt and dog food (no seriously, my mom had to hide it from me when I was younger or else I would often end up snacking on it - I was probably just trying to unleash the ferocious animal within me), sticking my finger in the crack of a door to see what would happen and wearing black platform boots for 15 hours straight. Gasp, I know, I was stupid.

But nothing that I have done in my eventful life thus far can top what I did last night. Absolutely nothing.

By now I'm sure you have a million ideas as to what exactly I have done. I can you hear all the exclamations buzzing around in your little brains: did you decide to take your love of sunscreen one step crazier and begin ingesting it as you would most likely do?! Did you decide that it was a good idea to take your mom's porcelain figurines and perform physics experiments on them (ie drop them out the window)?! Did you go on your roof to fly your kite in the middle of last night's thunderstorm?!

The answer is no, no and no - sadly. I wish I had done these things, yeah, even the whole roof kite thunderstorm gig that would have most likely ended in a complete and utter catastrophe: that's how ghastly the act that I committed last night truly was. And I don't think my mom owns any porcelain figurines. She's got a tea set though, so that clearly makes up for it in my book - as it should in yours. Like seriously, you aren't anyone if you don't own a tea set. How the fuck are you going to drink your tea then? Yeah, I went there; I used a f-bomb, that's how strongly I feel about tea sets.

Alright, alright, I'll cut to the chase as I know you are all mostly likely on the very edge of your seat, clutching your chair all dramatic and the like, desperately trying to hold on to refrain from falling to the floor to see what atrocious thing I have done now. Ok, take a few deep breaths, as you are most likely not going to believe the next sentence ... Last night I did something that I vowed I would never do, I got Twitter. Yes, I'm serious. I now 'tweet'.

Tweet, tweet, tweet. And yes, I may or may not run around my room flapping my arms like a bird every time I say that. And I may or may not fall down in the process of doing so. Don't judge me.

I can just hear you asking, well, Kelsey, why the fuck would you do that? My answer, I don't fucking know ok?! I have no freaking clue as to why on Earth I would do that, especially when I detest Twitter and everything it stands for so goddamn much. I must have been possessed. Yeah, that's right, possessed, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation doesn't it? And you know what, I bet it was the ghost of the bird that died in my garage (if there is even such bird, I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet that at some point in time, a bird has indeed died in my garage as a) birds seem to frequent our house and b) our house is old as time itself - or seemingly at least). Yes, this is all making perfect sense, I was merely possessed by a species of creatures that seem to loathe everything I stand for. Oh and, the tweeting part of it - totally points to the birds as well.

So I suppose this is the point in the blog where I do some shameless self promoting and say hey, follow me on Twitter and stuff. But I wouldn't know, since I've never been good at the whole self promoting thing anyhow. My brilliant username would be kel_zee_belle - yeah, I know, can you tell I made it at night?

Oh, I was so mad because I originally wanted to make it sunscreenaddict - but some biznitch ahead of me took it. How dare they, I know! I wanted to cracked some skulls ... but this would have been impossible for me because I have weak arms and a short attention span, and it was at about two in the morning. I had to settle for snapping my finger and saying 'oh darn', but it wasn't as satisfying, if you know what I mean.

So long story short, I was possessed by a bird and made a horrible mistake by getting Twitter. Oh, I also like tea sets and I can't crack skulls. And I fall down, a lot.

Ps. If you understood the Arrested Development quote as the title, award yourself ten bonus points. However, as I've already reiterated what seems to be countless of times, these actual bonus points have no meaning, nor no redeemable value. I know, I know, it's incredibly disappointing and everything; tell you what, to make it up to you guys, I will draw you a picture of a flower. Flowers are nice, don't you think?

Ps. Never said it would be good now did I? If you thought it would be good, well, gosh darn it, your darn expectations are too high. Go lower them. Now. Don't come back until they're lower.

I'm totally kidding, please come back, I have this psychological need where people MUST read my incoherent babbles. I swear, it's probably some sort of complex or something. Yeah, I know it might come as a shock to you, but I'm complex man. And deep - but mostly just complex.

Changes All Around

Hey there guys, long time no I see, I know. I'm sorry! Really I am, you have no idea how much I've been trying to get a decent post on here. I swear, I've started at least 28 (ok, that may be a slight exaggeration on my part but somewhere close to that number) posts but they are all absolute shite so I just end up either subjecting them to my loverly delete key - which is both my best friend, and worst enemy I must say - or banishing them off to piles of drafts that I've already semi-composed where they will slowly wither away into nothing and then die. Yeah, that's right, die.

If you're reading this, you've probably noticed a design change. Well, at least, I hope you've noticed it. If you didn't, you may want to start paying more attention - or taper off the drugs that you're invariably on, whichever applies to you.

I know, I know, I'm always messing around with the design on this thing: it's not my fault I'm never satisfied, clearly, in this case, I must blame my parents. After all, it must be their fault that I have inexplicably high standards, right? Right?! That's where my logic train stops at. Ok, gah, I know that's bad man ... I'm telling you, there is something seriously wrong with me lately. I've turned into this subhuman, nocturnal creature who is rarely seen puttering around my house in a zombie-esque state before two in the afternoon; I stay up all night doing nothing, only to be awaken, quite inhumanely may I add, by my mudder at 12 telling me 'it's time to get up ... you bizarre little cretin you'. Ok, maybe she doesn't say the last part out loud, but goodness knows I bet that's what she's thinking. I basically respond through my usual means of communication (unintelligible grunts with a few choice words scattered about). And I've taken an immense dislike to the concept of bathing. Yeah, that's right, my family tells me that I need a bath almost every day now, but yet, I prefer to fester in my own filth. My excuse? It's more environmentally friendly as I'm not only using less water and chemicals, but I'm providing a place where wildlife (ie flies) can thrive (aka my hair). But that's probably too much information, right?

Yeah, my filter - you know, the one that tells me what information is an over share, and what isn't - clearly is on the fritz, as with the rest of my brain. With that in mind though, I'm going to attempt to do something that I haven't done in ages and tell another story about yet another embarrassing event that happened when I was a young and somewhat innocent, child. Expect it in about a month.

(No, not really, well at least ... I hope not. Though, judging by the current state that I'm in, it could be possible. I just threw that out there so I wouldn't disappoint you by not being able to meet a reasonable deadline - like three days: that would just put too much strain on myself, and dude, stress is the last thing that I need now. I'm already too fragile, stress might prove to be fatal). ---- See, look at that shite I'm writing right now, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, so I highly doubt you can comprehend my incoherent rambles.

I'm just going to quit while I'm behind here.

First VLOG!

Bonjour Take Two

Ok, so believe it or not, but that last post wasn't what I intended to type. You see, what I meant to say was that I was going to my cottage and therefore wouldn't post for a few days, but I got sidetracked when I picked out that title, thought of another story I could tell you and then I just ran out of steam.

Oh summer, what do you do to my brain? Half the time it feels like it no longer exists, and the other half, I swear, I can feel it gooping out of my ears. Just gooping.

Anyway, here we go: hang on tight kiddies, this may be a long post - or it may not be, because already my eyes are getting heavy and I feel myself dozing, dozing, do ... zzzz.

I suck.

Bonjour

Yeah, that's about all the French I know though, oh, except for, 'je suis desole, je ne pas parlez francis, vous parlez Anglais?' ... And yes, I taught myself that (I know, I know, I'm brilliant).

“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It’s a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.” - JK Rowling

Finito!

Finally, zee job, zee miserable, awful, down right torturous job that I've had for the past few weeks is done! Summer, my old friend, how I've missed you.

That's right, I can finally return to my old days of relaxing, reading, generally avoiding the sun as only a sunscreen addict can do. Ahhh, the good old days are once again.

Annnd, I ordered my new macbook :) - yeap, haha, this job just bought me a spankin' brand new macbook pro. I'm super duper excited to get this and to be rid of my evil crap-top for once and all! Dudes, I have MAJOR plans as to what I'm going to do when me new computer arrives: drop this one out the window for all the headaches it has given me over the past few weeks. And yes, I will film it for all you lovelies to see :)

Poetic justice, don't you agree?

Right now I'm not doing to much, I'm just chillaxin and having a drink - yep, that's right, I'm having my first alcoholic beverage ever - a hard lemonade, but still, my first drink. Funny enough, it comes right off the heels of my dad giving me a lecture about how I'm too naive. Yep haha, on the way home from work today he was telling me that he was nervous about me leaving for university because I'm too naive, which apparently equals trouble ... oooh zaaa, cue the creepy music.

My father is trying to corrupt me. And I have to say, I'm not really liking this drink too much, I'm attempting to choke at least some of it down so my father doesn't laugh at me for being a complete lightweight, although I have only drank half of it and my stomach already feels pretty warm and fuzzy. How sad is it that my younger bro and sis could drink me under the table, easily? Whaaaa, I am naive.

Oh well.

Finally! Let zee blogging commence!

Hey my brethren! Brothers? Peeps? Home dogs? Ragtag gang of neighbourhood toughs? I have no idea, what do y'all want to be called? Personally, I'm just going to go on record and say that my favourite has to be the ragtag gang of neighbourhood toughs (another Arrested Development reference) - it reeks of class. Really why does Tobias get to have all the fun?! I'd kill for my own ragtag gang of neighbourhood toughs!

Anyway, it's about 10:20 on a Friday morning. Yep, it's the morning and I'm blogging. I can already hear you saying, 'But why? Don't you work? :o Were you fired?! Are you playing hooky?! Were you kidnapped?! Did the sun not rise today?!'

But please, don't fret my pretties I have not been fired - yet, although it is always within the realm of possibility as my boss has threatened to fire several people over the past week - yes, it's slightly scary but I believe that my charming personality and sweet demeanour has landed me on to the good side of his book. Nor am I playing hooky, it was pissing down rain this morning, and seriously, you can't have a threesome with corn if it's pissing down rain ... tee hee ... so no work this morning (score, as this means that my feet won't be as sore tonight).

That leaves the last option, kidnapping. Yes, if you guessed that, you're right. No really, although ... if you've been taken by your mom does that count as kidnapping? And also, what if you're not a kid?

These are life's big questions that I often find myself pondering about on rainy afternoons and right before I go to bed. (But if it's a sunny afternoon I choose to ponder a different set of questions, mainly, why is the centre of a DQ Icecream cake - the fudgy part with the cookie crumbs - so darn delicious?! ... And then I ponder why my mom won't by me such cake).

As for the sun not rising, I just looked out the window and there doesn't seem to be any rioting on the street, worshiping of satanic goats, a sober Lindsay Lohan, or any other signs that the world is ending so ... I think that we're good.

Anyway, I'm currently being held against my own will at my mom's place of work. What had happened was, it hadn't started raining until I was about 5 minutes away from work and I couldn't go home since my mom was already late for work. The solution? I must suffer rather than be home napping in my sweet, warm bed.

Can I just say, I'm like an icecube right now. Really, the airconditioning is blasting at maximum power and it's really close to me. I tried to nap earlier but napping is kind of hard to do in a hard chair ... my neck kills.

I know, poor me. :(

On the plus side, I managed to guilt-trip my mom into buying me a kitkat bar. Note to all members of my ragtag gang of neighbourhood toughs, if you want to get on my good side all you have to do is bribe me with candy or chocolate, or even better, both. Seriously, my tooth is so sweet it's insane :).

And I finished a Fine Balance - which I started at Christmas (yikes) I liked it, except the ending was a little sad. Other then that, totally recommend it.

But I should go, I have to call into work soon and see if they need me in the afternoon.

Be cool!

"Did You Barf in my Urn?"

Hey guys, it's me. Sorry for the lack of written posts as of late, the job is just killer and yada yada yada. I swear, when I get home I literally collapse on to my couch and have mini Arrested Development-athons (love that show, highly recommend it).

Uh, not too much is new - remind me to type out an embarrassing story later (sometime in August after I stop working that is). I had forgotten all about it until I told a friend today, but really, I don't know how I forgot all about it as it's quite ... hilarious - if you're not me that is.

So many embarrassing things happen to me, but I guess that I bring it on myself sometimes - my theory is it's the universe trying to balance my ultra-coolness, since my ultra-coolness isn't really fair to other people, you know?

It's hard work being this cool though - every night before I go to bed I eat 20 cubes of ice (so the literal coolness will turn into the figurative coolness). Whaaa? You don't believe this works? I hate to prove it to you, but it's a scientifically proven fact yo! Just go look it up.

Yeah, that's right, go!

How else can you even begin to explain my coolness? That's right, you can't. Boo-yah!

Ok, so, I'm definitely tired and not even coherent at this point. Anyway, I got a little off topic/track there, the point of this post was supposed to be simply don't fret, I'll post my regular stuff again soon.

On the plus side, I got my first paycheque - almost worth it. Haha, I said almost; the combination of sunscreen and bugs and corn plants are wreaking havoc on my arms, legs and face: I have little red, and itchy might I add, bumps all over me. I look like ... I don't know, something that has loads of little red bumps, and some not so little red bumps.

Oh, also, I have this cut on my face. Where from? Work. Yep, that's right. I cut myself on a corn leaf a few days ago.

How does one do this? I do not know. You thought it was impossible? As did I my friend, as did I. I guess I just defy the impossible left right and centre (again, one could argue, it could be an attempt to balance out the ultracoolness that is my persona).

It's 10 though, and I'm exhausted so peace!

Ps. The title is my all time favourite movie quote, from Juno. Which is odd because I'm not a huge fan of that movie. The quote, nonetheless, has everything you could ask for: humour, mystery, love, hate, etc.

Survey

Surveys are always fun to look back after a few years, just to see how much you've changed as a person, and to occasionally ask yourself what you were smoking at the time, etc. However, without further ado, me very own survey for your entertainment, if you wish, but mostly mine!

50 Questions To Really Get To Know Someone
1) Are you a morning or night person?	Oddly I'm both, afternoon is the drag for me - if I can I nap! I do my best thinking in the morning, and my best writing at night :)
2) Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?	Sweet, hands down; I have a sweet tooth like no other
3) Ninjas or pirates?	Pirates
4) Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.	I think we can all agree that a pirate-ninja would be the coolest thing ever!
5) Autobots or Decepticons?	Autobots
6) What was your favorite childhood television program?	Some cartoon on YTV, I don't remember the name (oh yea, it blew me away obviously ;))
7) Are you a collector of anything?	Quotes
8) If you could be any animal, what would you be?	Kangaroo
9) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?	Ability to change into anything
10) What is usually your first thought when you wake up?	If I'm tired: 'Why?!', If I'm not: 'I wonder if I have any email'
11) What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?	I daydream haha
12) What's your favorite color?	Purple
13) What's your favorite animal?	Puppy dogs :)
14) Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?	Do you know how big this universe is?! If we're here, how can we not believe that?
15) Do you believe in ghosts?	Nope.
16) Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?	Yes! The Sims - I had a Sims craze for the longest time, it was bad.
17) You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?	Travels
18) Have any bad habits?	I grind my teeth a lot.
19) Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?	Chewing your hair and nails
20) List 3 of your best personality traits:	Humour, intelligence, 'sweetness' - other people's words, not mine
21) List 3 of your worst personality traits:	Hard to approach (apparently), a little too anal at times, procrastination galore
22) Have any celebrity crushes?	Casey Affleck, Victor Lang from Desperate Housewives ;)
23) List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:	I wish my teeth were nicer
24) Any tattoos or piercings?	Ears ... for now, mwah ha ha
25) What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?	Confidence
26) What personality traits do you look for in a partner?	Confidence, intelligence, trustworthiness, honesty, humour
27) What personality traits do you dislike in other people?	Snob, ignorant, rude
28) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?	Nope haha
29) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?	Clean
30) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?	Finland, or Denmark
31) If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?	Denmark, Spain, Italy, Greece, Australia, Africa, England
32) List 5 goals on your life's to-do list:	Write a novel, go skydiving, live on the streets, rob a bank, own a home that is sustainable
33) Name 1 regret you have:	That's too personal - soz
34) Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:	Nap time - enough said!
35) Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:	Freedom! Or the idea of freedom at least.
36) What's your favorite song of the moment?	Errh ----
37) What's your favorite song of all time?	Josephine
38) What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?	PARTY! Just kidding, I don't know - depends on the season
39) What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?	Read
40) Have any hidden talents?	I can do a mad sudoku
41) You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?	DQ Icecream Cake - no lie
42) What would be your dream job?	Writer :)
43) Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?	100 million dollars - does that make me a bad person?
44) If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?	Happiness for the rest of my life, ability to travel for the rest of my life, world peace
45) Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?	Yes ... They don't get periods and all the lovely stuff that comes along with them
46) Name 1 thing not many people know about you:	I was supposed to be born on November 1st
47) If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?	Evangeline
48) Do you believe in the afterlife?	No!
49) On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?	I generally don't like cookies.
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TVS

The Truth

Lions, Tigers and Zombie Squirrels - Oh my!

So once upon a time I was really bored so I wrote a story about zombie squirrel's modeled off a friend's real life experiences. I wrote this at about 1 in the morning so pardon the suckish ending. Enjoy! Or not, really, it's up to you.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a lovely maiden named Jenniez from the Block. Jenniez from the Block was a smart, able bodied woman who had penchant for changing scummy ponds into beautiful pools of crystalline water. Jenniez from the Block was a very dedicated recreational worker: her pools of water were known to be the cleanest in the land and she took immense pride in her work, lords and ladies from kingdoms far and away begged her to work on their landscapes - however, Jenniez from the Block declined them all as she only worked on her pools of water. Jenniez from the Block was peculiar in this way.

However, one day, Jenniez from the Block was strolling along a beautiful path in the forest: oak trees, flowers, bushes as far as the eye could see. On this particular day Jenniez from the Block was distracted: a distressing event had happened the prior day, one which shook the very core of her being. A squirrel, a poor innocent creature, had drowned in her pool. She thought, 'how could such a dreadful thing happen? Surely squirrels are God's creatures too'. As Jenniez from the Block walked along the lovely forest path, she noticed an odd creature darting to and fro: as if it were following her.

Immediately chills shot down Jenniez from the Block's back: she had many childhood experiences in which seemingly innocent creatures attacked her mercilessly. Her pace quickened, along with her heart beat; her mind raced furiously. The clouds suddenly swelled, darkness enveloped her - the forest, a once calm place, suddenly became dark and menacing: a place where unfathomable nightmares could, and did, reside.

Jenniez from the Block began to run as fast as she could. However, despite being able-bodied, she was not a fast runner, nor did she have the endurance ideal for a situation such as this. Slowly but surely her pace slowed, yet she still headed into the dark abyss of the unknown.

The curious creature ran along side Jenniez from the Block, unbeknown to her: it darted to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.

After what seemed like a very long time, but in reality was only a few minutes, Jenniez from the Block was unable to continue; she collapsed dramatically to the forest floor, covering her dress in leaves and twigs. She gasped, trying to catch her breath, trying to muster up the strength that she would need in order to continue on, yet she could not.

The curious creature, seeing its window of opportunity, bounded ahead and situated itself directly on the path that Jenniez from the Block was traveling on. It stared at her, a venomous look in its eyes, one that clearly illustrated its desire to see Jenniez from the Block's demise.

It took a few moments for Jenniez from the Block to collect herself; no longer was she gasping for air, no longer was she sprawled out on the ground seemingly dying. Slowly energy seeped back into her muscles, slowly she gained the will to begin running, for her life, again. Gradually Jenniez from the Block stood up, carefully brushing off her dress. She looked directly ahead and felt her heart flutter a million beats per second.

The creature, the one staring at her, it looked so familiar to her. She inched closer and closer, focusing her eyes as best as she could, racking her brain for an idea of how she knew this creature.

The creature simply sat there. Its eyes unblinking and glazed over, a peculiar smell exuding from its rotting skin.

Jenniez from the Block moved closer still, fearful yet curious at the same time. Eventually, when she was within a mere foot of the creature, the atmosphere swiftly changed: black smoke billowed out from the creature, its size magnified tenfold, its eyes turned a deep blood red colour.

Jenniez from the Block shrank back: a sudden realization hit her, this creature, this horrifying creature, was the very same one that drowned in her pool earlier. Scared, she held her sweaty palms together in a quick prayer.

The creature, the ghost of the dead squirrel, clearly wanting to be avenged, bellowed, "Jenniez from the Block you are responsible for my death. It was your pool that I fell in, you failed to save me, you failed to add precautionary measures that would prevent an innocent death such as mine. You fail. Here me Jenniez from the Block, you are forever cursed. I will allow you once chance at redemption: one chance to change your ways, but only one. Never shall an innocent creature perish in your pool ever again: if you fail to meet this standard, an creature straight from the fiery depths of hell shall forever haunt you. Consider this your warning Jenniez from the Block, you have been told." An evil laugh, one that sent shudders down the entire forest's back, followed: it echoed, resonating down the path, getting louder and louder with each passing second.

With that, the intensity of the smoke surrounding the creature increased, swirling around Jenniez from the Block in such a ferocious manner she was sure that it would vacuum all the air from her lungs. Soon all she could see was darkness, she felt her grasp on Earth, on life, slipping away. Few conscious thoughts entered her mind as she fell to the hard forest floor once again.

Jenniez from the Block woke up with a start. Her eyelids fluttered as she frantically looked around the room, desperately trying to figure out her surroundings. The memory of what had happened in the forest still haunted her. Her breathing slowed, her heart no longer beat furiously in her chest: she recognized her surroundings, she was in her bed quarters.

Her hands ran up the scratchy linen sheets that lined her bed, her eyes devoured the sight of her silk nightgown. Once she became certain that she was indeed in her own rooms, her mind worked, trying to figure out what had happened. It was merely a dream she thought to herself, just a bad dream.

She chided herself, 'that's why I should not have cheese right before bedtime. No matter how good cheese is, it's simply not worth such realistic nightmares'.

Jenniez from the Block climbed out of her bed, grabbing her robe and slippers nearby, as she went outside to the castle grounds. As she stepped across the threshold, a sense of foreboding hung heavily in the air. She made her way to the pool, her stomach fluttering with butterflies: 'calm down,' she thought to herself, 'it was only a dream'.

The pool gleamed in the moonlight; the moon was unusually bright, and the reflections shimmered on the water. The stones that surrounded the pool were as perfectly placed as ever, creating an astounding visual effect. Jenniez from the Block walked slowly to the pool, with bated breath, just to make sure that no squirrels had fallen in. Her eyes searched the water greedily, afraid of what they would find, yet still wanting to find it anyway, however they saw nothing disturbing the pool.

A sigh of relief emitted from Jenniez from the Block's lips. She turned towards her castle, eager to resume sleeping, happy that she would not be haunted as the ghost had warned. On her way in, she conversed with her loyal guard of five years, Edgard, and instructed him to arrange shifts to watch the pool at night and ensure that no innocent animals met an untimely demise. ‘Better safe than sorry’, she thought to herself.

Edgard, amused by her request, gave her a strange look. However, it was not odd to receive questionable instructions from his master, as, despite her brilliance, she tended to be quite peculiar in many aspects. Edgard simply did what any other loyal servant would do, he followed her instructions and ensured that no innocent animals were harmed.

This arrangement lasted a few nights, Edgard made sure that no innocent creatures drowned, and Jenniez from the Block was not haunted by a creature from the depths of hell.

However, soon after Jenniez from the Block established the arrangement, she forgot about the ghost’s warning, and continued her life on as if everything was normal: she continued to design and create magnificent pools of water in her yard.

One night Jenniez from the Block dismissed Edgard from his duty of watching the pool; she had a craving for cheese, yet her stocks were depleted, so she tasked Edgard to make some for her. While Jenniez from the Block was waiting for her servant to finish, she stood calmly on the porch of her castle, looking contently at her outside creations.

The sight was a marvellous one indeed, as once again the moon was shining brightly, its reflections bouncing off the many pools of water she had created. The wind was calm, and the trees were only swaying gently, their leaving grazing the pools ever so slightly. Jenniez from the Block closed her eyes, took deep breaths and was thanking God that she was alive.

All of a sudden, she heard a splash sound made from far away. ‘How peculiar,’ she thought to herself, ‘whatever could that have been?’ Curious, Jenniez from the Block slowly made her way towards the direction that she heard the sound come from. Her pace was unhurried, and she continued to admire the scenery that surrounded her.

Eventually she reached a pool of water, similar to many others that she had passed, with one key difference: in this pool, a squirrel was lying on the bottom, dead. Upon seeing this dreadful sight, panic welled in her stomach: the memory of her ‘dream’ came rushing back all at once, knocking the breath out of her.

Jenniez from the Block frantically dove to the bottom of the pools, with the vain hope of being able to save the squirrel. Alas, despite several attempts of clumsy resuscitation, she could not save the innocent creature: her fate was sealed. Shaking, Jenniez from the Block made a small hole in the ground to bury the creature; she had hoped that by giving it a final resting place, that the ghost’s grisly warning would not come true.

Upon filling the clumsy hole, Jenniez from the Block uttered a prayer for the poor creature’s soul, and for her own - hoping that her actions would be enough to appease God, or, in this particular case, the devil. She turned away from the shallow grave, and began to walk the other way.

Jenniez from the Block had not even made it five metres away when the ground began shake furiously. The clouds instantly covered up the once gleaming moon, welcoming the dark abyss once again. As the ground shook, the trees began to uproot, the stones cracked, the ponds split: Jenniez from the Block’s paradise was ruined.

Jenniez from the Block wanted to run away, so badly she wanted to run away, yet her feet would not move. She stared at the sight of her oasis crumbling to ruins, too numb to have a thought in her head. The ground continued to shake and, right where she had just buried the squirrel, the ground began to split: a huge black arm rose out of the Earth, followed by a head and torso, and then the legs.

Jenniez from the Block stuttered in disbelief: the squirrel that she had just buried, rose again impossibly larger, looking much like the one she had saw in her ‘dream’, only bigger, more intimidating - before she could even begin to scream, the monster lunged and grabbed her.

And then swallowed her whole.

The End. :)

I'm Werkin' Girl ... And I Hate It!

So, I know that I said that I was going to blog yesterday about my first day a la my brand spankin' new job but that was before I spent 7 1/2 hours on my feet walking with an apron that feels like a hundred pounds in the hot hot sun.

Oh yeah, as you can probably tell, it was a blast. An absolute blast. If you think that last phrase was dripping with sarcasm, please award yourself a bonus point for being right. (What this bonus point means, I do not know - hopefully it makes you feel special and that is reward enough, if not, go to your local convenience store and try to cash it in. Do not blame me if it doesn't work; please let me know if it does).

Today was even worse because we went the full nine hours, although at times it was ok because there was a slight breeze.

Can I just say something? My feet KILL.

Oh, and the worst part my hours: 8 - 5 (minimum - they'll ask you to stay later) from monday - saturday ... That means I only get one day a week off. How does one go from having a seven day weekend to a one day weekend?!

I know, it's a complete and utter tragedy. How the heck am I even supposed to put a dent in my reading list now?! I've only read one book thus far (Pillars of the Earth, it was good) and my goal is, or rather, was, 25 books at least. I can't read when I come home, I've been so exhausted, it's taking up all my energy to type this - and this post sucks. I think that the sun has zapped all my wittiness away. I'm boring now. Me, boring! What is this world coming to?! Or maybe the better question is, what am I coming to?! Never did I think that a) I would have a job or b) be boring! *sob*

Oh, yeah, speaking of the sun. It's a really good idea to put me, the sunscreen addict, into direct sun for 9 hours. I swear, I bet my coworkers think I bathe in sunscreen or something, I reek of it, and I'm always putting it on constantly. Buuuut, it is working, I'm still as pasty white as ever - well, except for the back of my neck, which totally has a farmer's tan (and it's pretty brown too). Gosh, I'm just going to look so weird when I get back into dresses with farmer's tan galore - fun, I'm looking forward to it. (Award yourself another bonus point if you detected sarcasm).

On the plus side, I can really rock the whole full brim hat thing now that I'm getting oodles of practice.

And I get to think a lot. Today I mainly thought about this crazy weird dream I had last night, but hey, that's not really new now is it?