TVS

The Truth

Lions, Tigers and Zombie Squirrels - Oh my!

So once upon a time I was really bored so I wrote a story about zombie squirrel's modeled off a friend's real life experiences. I wrote this at about 1 in the morning so pardon the suckish ending. Enjoy! Or not, really, it's up to you.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a lovely maiden named Jenniez from the Block. Jenniez from the Block was a smart, able bodied woman who had penchant for changing scummy ponds into beautiful pools of crystalline water. Jenniez from the Block was a very dedicated recreational worker: her pools of water were known to be the cleanest in the land and she took immense pride in her work, lords and ladies from kingdoms far and away begged her to work on their landscapes - however, Jenniez from the Block declined them all as she only worked on her pools of water. Jenniez from the Block was peculiar in this way.

However, one day, Jenniez from the Block was strolling along a beautiful path in the forest: oak trees, flowers, bushes as far as the eye could see. On this particular day Jenniez from the Block was distracted: a distressing event had happened the prior day, one which shook the very core of her being. A squirrel, a poor innocent creature, had drowned in her pool. She thought, 'how could such a dreadful thing happen? Surely squirrels are God's creatures too'. As Jenniez from the Block walked along the lovely forest path, she noticed an odd creature darting to and fro: as if it were following her.

Immediately chills shot down Jenniez from the Block's back: she had many childhood experiences in which seemingly innocent creatures attacked her mercilessly. Her pace quickened, along with her heart beat; her mind raced furiously. The clouds suddenly swelled, darkness enveloped her - the forest, a once calm place, suddenly became dark and menacing: a place where unfathomable nightmares could, and did, reside.

Jenniez from the Block began to run as fast as she could. However, despite being able-bodied, she was not a fast runner, nor did she have the endurance ideal for a situation such as this. Slowly but surely her pace slowed, yet she still headed into the dark abyss of the unknown.

The curious creature ran along side Jenniez from the Block, unbeknown to her: it darted to and fro, to and fro, to and fro.

After what seemed like a very long time, but in reality was only a few minutes, Jenniez from the Block was unable to continue; she collapsed dramatically to the forest floor, covering her dress in leaves and twigs. She gasped, trying to catch her breath, trying to muster up the strength that she would need in order to continue on, yet she could not.

The curious creature, seeing its window of opportunity, bounded ahead and situated itself directly on the path that Jenniez from the Block was traveling on. It stared at her, a venomous look in its eyes, one that clearly illustrated its desire to see Jenniez from the Block's demise.

It took a few moments for Jenniez from the Block to collect herself; no longer was she gasping for air, no longer was she sprawled out on the ground seemingly dying. Slowly energy seeped back into her muscles, slowly she gained the will to begin running, for her life, again. Gradually Jenniez from the Block stood up, carefully brushing off her dress. She looked directly ahead and felt her heart flutter a million beats per second.

The creature, the one staring at her, it looked so familiar to her. She inched closer and closer, focusing her eyes as best as she could, racking her brain for an idea of how she knew this creature.

The creature simply sat there. Its eyes unblinking and glazed over, a peculiar smell exuding from its rotting skin.

Jenniez from the Block moved closer still, fearful yet curious at the same time. Eventually, when she was within a mere foot of the creature, the atmosphere swiftly changed: black smoke billowed out from the creature, its size magnified tenfold, its eyes turned a deep blood red colour.

Jenniez from the Block shrank back: a sudden realization hit her, this creature, this horrifying creature, was the very same one that drowned in her pool earlier. Scared, she held her sweaty palms together in a quick prayer.

The creature, the ghost of the dead squirrel, clearly wanting to be avenged, bellowed, "Jenniez from the Block you are responsible for my death. It was your pool that I fell in, you failed to save me, you failed to add precautionary measures that would prevent an innocent death such as mine. You fail. Here me Jenniez from the Block, you are forever cursed. I will allow you once chance at redemption: one chance to change your ways, but only one. Never shall an innocent creature perish in your pool ever again: if you fail to meet this standard, an creature straight from the fiery depths of hell shall forever haunt you. Consider this your warning Jenniez from the Block, you have been told." An evil laugh, one that sent shudders down the entire forest's back, followed: it echoed, resonating down the path, getting louder and louder with each passing second.

With that, the intensity of the smoke surrounding the creature increased, swirling around Jenniez from the Block in such a ferocious manner she was sure that it would vacuum all the air from her lungs. Soon all she could see was darkness, she felt her grasp on Earth, on life, slipping away. Few conscious thoughts entered her mind as she fell to the hard forest floor once again.

Jenniez from the Block woke up with a start. Her eyelids fluttered as she frantically looked around the room, desperately trying to figure out her surroundings. The memory of what had happened in the forest still haunted her. Her breathing slowed, her heart no longer beat furiously in her chest: she recognized her surroundings, she was in her bed quarters.

Her hands ran up the scratchy linen sheets that lined her bed, her eyes devoured the sight of her silk nightgown. Once she became certain that she was indeed in her own rooms, her mind worked, trying to figure out what had happened. It was merely a dream she thought to herself, just a bad dream.

She chided herself, 'that's why I should not have cheese right before bedtime. No matter how good cheese is, it's simply not worth such realistic nightmares'.

Jenniez from the Block climbed out of her bed, grabbing her robe and slippers nearby, as she went outside to the castle grounds. As she stepped across the threshold, a sense of foreboding hung heavily in the air. She made her way to the pool, her stomach fluttering with butterflies: 'calm down,' she thought to herself, 'it was only a dream'.

The pool gleamed in the moonlight; the moon was unusually bright, and the reflections shimmered on the water. The stones that surrounded the pool were as perfectly placed as ever, creating an astounding visual effect. Jenniez from the Block walked slowly to the pool, with bated breath, just to make sure that no squirrels had fallen in. Her eyes searched the water greedily, afraid of what they would find, yet still wanting to find it anyway, however they saw nothing disturbing the pool.

A sigh of relief emitted from Jenniez from the Block's lips. She turned towards her castle, eager to resume sleeping, happy that she would not be haunted as the ghost had warned. On her way in, she conversed with her loyal guard of five years, Edgard, and instructed him to arrange shifts to watch the pool at night and ensure that no innocent animals met an untimely demise. ‘Better safe than sorry’, she thought to herself.

Edgard, amused by her request, gave her a strange look. However, it was not odd to receive questionable instructions from his master, as, despite her brilliance, she tended to be quite peculiar in many aspects. Edgard simply did what any other loyal servant would do, he followed her instructions and ensured that no innocent animals were harmed.

This arrangement lasted a few nights, Edgard made sure that no innocent creatures drowned, and Jenniez from the Block was not haunted by a creature from the depths of hell.

However, soon after Jenniez from the Block established the arrangement, she forgot about the ghost’s warning, and continued her life on as if everything was normal: she continued to design and create magnificent pools of water in her yard.

One night Jenniez from the Block dismissed Edgard from his duty of watching the pool; she had a craving for cheese, yet her stocks were depleted, so she tasked Edgard to make some for her. While Jenniez from the Block was waiting for her servant to finish, she stood calmly on the porch of her castle, looking contently at her outside creations.

The sight was a marvellous one indeed, as once again the moon was shining brightly, its reflections bouncing off the many pools of water she had created. The wind was calm, and the trees were only swaying gently, their leaving grazing the pools ever so slightly. Jenniez from the Block closed her eyes, took deep breaths and was thanking God that she was alive.

All of a sudden, she heard a splash sound made from far away. ‘How peculiar,’ she thought to herself, ‘whatever could that have been?’ Curious, Jenniez from the Block slowly made her way towards the direction that she heard the sound come from. Her pace was unhurried, and she continued to admire the scenery that surrounded her.

Eventually she reached a pool of water, similar to many others that she had passed, with one key difference: in this pool, a squirrel was lying on the bottom, dead. Upon seeing this dreadful sight, panic welled in her stomach: the memory of her ‘dream’ came rushing back all at once, knocking the breath out of her.

Jenniez from the Block frantically dove to the bottom of the pools, with the vain hope of being able to save the squirrel. Alas, despite several attempts of clumsy resuscitation, she could not save the innocent creature: her fate was sealed. Shaking, Jenniez from the Block made a small hole in the ground to bury the creature; she had hoped that by giving it a final resting place, that the ghost’s grisly warning would not come true.

Upon filling the clumsy hole, Jenniez from the Block uttered a prayer for the poor creature’s soul, and for her own - hoping that her actions would be enough to appease God, or, in this particular case, the devil. She turned away from the shallow grave, and began to walk the other way.

Jenniez from the Block had not even made it five metres away when the ground began shake furiously. The clouds instantly covered up the once gleaming moon, welcoming the dark abyss once again. As the ground shook, the trees began to uproot, the stones cracked, the ponds split: Jenniez from the Block’s paradise was ruined.

Jenniez from the Block wanted to run away, so badly she wanted to run away, yet her feet would not move. She stared at the sight of her oasis crumbling to ruins, too numb to have a thought in her head. The ground continued to shake and, right where she had just buried the squirrel, the ground began to split: a huge black arm rose out of the Earth, followed by a head and torso, and then the legs.

Jenniez from the Block stuttered in disbelief: the squirrel that she had just buried, rose again impossibly larger, looking much like the one she had saw in her ‘dream’, only bigger, more intimidating - before she could even begin to scream, the monster lunged and grabbed her.

And then swallowed her whole.

The End. :)

I'm Werkin' Girl ... And I Hate It!

So, I know that I said that I was going to blog yesterday about my first day a la my brand spankin' new job but that was before I spent 7 1/2 hours on my feet walking with an apron that feels like a hundred pounds in the hot hot sun.

Oh yeah, as you can probably tell, it was a blast. An absolute blast. If you think that last phrase was dripping with sarcasm, please award yourself a bonus point for being right. (What this bonus point means, I do not know - hopefully it makes you feel special and that is reward enough, if not, go to your local convenience store and try to cash it in. Do not blame me if it doesn't work; please let me know if it does).

Today was even worse because we went the full nine hours, although at times it was ok because there was a slight breeze.

Can I just say something? My feet KILL.

Oh, and the worst part my hours: 8 - 5 (minimum - they'll ask you to stay later) from monday - saturday ... That means I only get one day a week off. How does one go from having a seven day weekend to a one day weekend?!

I know, it's a complete and utter tragedy. How the heck am I even supposed to put a dent in my reading list now?! I've only read one book thus far (Pillars of the Earth, it was good) and my goal is, or rather, was, 25 books at least. I can't read when I come home, I've been so exhausted, it's taking up all my energy to type this - and this post sucks. I think that the sun has zapped all my wittiness away. I'm boring now. Me, boring! What is this world coming to?! Or maybe the better question is, what am I coming to?! Never did I think that a) I would have a job or b) be boring! *sob*

Oh, yeah, speaking of the sun. It's a really good idea to put me, the sunscreen addict, into direct sun for 9 hours. I swear, I bet my coworkers think I bathe in sunscreen or something, I reek of it, and I'm always putting it on constantly. Buuuut, it is working, I'm still as pasty white as ever - well, except for the back of my neck, which totally has a farmer's tan (and it's pretty brown too). Gosh, I'm just going to look so weird when I get back into dresses with farmer's tan galore - fun, I'm looking forward to it. (Award yourself another bonus point if you detected sarcasm).

On the plus side, I can really rock the whole full brim hat thing now that I'm getting oodles of practice.

And I get to think a lot. Today I mainly thought about this crazy weird dream I had last night, but hey, that's not really new now is it?

My Dad is Evil

Yep, despite all my vows and proclamations not to get a job this summer, I have one. *wails from the rooftop* - There go all my summer plans! Whaa? You don't call lounging around, reading, mastering guitar hero and occasionally playing tennis or golf summer plans? Who are you? Clearly, you have not lived.

I'll give my dad one thing though, he is nothing if not crafty.

Two days ago he's all like, 'Hey, fax your resume to this place. It's a long shot but you might be able to get a job', and I'm all like 'Ugh pass', but then he gives me this evil glare that reeks of hatred combined with disappointment so I sigh and say 'ok, if it'll appease you I will'.

I was under the impression that the job was a long shot, like my father had so graciously told me. Let me tell you something, he lied. Plain and simple, he lied. He knew that these people were so desperate to hire someone that they would even take me. Hell, I'm now under the impression that they would have hired a monkey as long as it could follow instructions.

Blaaah, long story short, they called me this morning 'hey can you be here at 8:00 tomorrow?' and me, while glaring at my father with the evil death stare that I have mastered, 'I guess'. Now I have to get up at 6:30; what kind of summer is that?!?!?!

I haven't even got to the worst part yet folks. Brace yourself, I'm working on a farm! Me, a farm girl, who would have thunk? Probably not you, especially if you know me, you'll know that I'm not one for manual labour, mindless tasks .... farms in general. So instead of being cool, eating popsicles, reading my little heart out, I'll be outside. In the scorching heat. Doing back-breaking manual labour. On a farm.

Thanks dad, really appreciate it. What? You sense that sentence oozing sarcasm, oh me, sarcasm?! Never. Really, thanks. *rolls eyes*

I'll blog about my first day tomorrow, assuming that a) I survive in the first place and b) I don't crash when I get home immediately.

Haha ... What?

Whooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa, oh whoa.
Yeahhh haaaa aaaaaaaa.
Ooooooooh.

You wish you were this cool.

Can I Just Say ...

That I'm really looking forward to when this heat wave is over? I feel like I'm melting right now.

Writer's Block Sucks Balls

Yep, I'm still suffering from it. However, my once wise (not so much anymore) writer's craft teacher, hereafter known as BTz, said that the best way to combat this ever prevalent problem in my life is just to write about nothing. Just ramble on and on: write what first comes to your head, and let the tangents flow.

This is what I am now going to attempt to do. I apologize for the sheer ludicrousness and incoherent rambles that you are about to read - I'm forbidding myself to hit the delete key and I'm posting this no matter what, in the end, is written. I am at my wits end right now; I must be, I'm taking BTz's advice. I know he is a teach and all, but he gives ... strange advice to say in the least. Funny, but strange - much like him.

So this morning I was bored, and therefore dicking around and being stupid in general. I put an old frosting cap on my head and played with an idea. On a side note, if you don't have any clue what a frosting cap is, you're probably a dude, or a child, or a llama ... in the case of a dude, look it up if you're just absolutely dying to know what it is. If you're a child, why are you reading this blog?! Where are your parents?! Where is your non-existent life?! If you're a llama, rock on dude, I'm jealous mon. Anyway, I once again am tempted to dye my hair, although ... I don't know, I keep flipping back and forth between my decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared to dye my hair: god knows I've done it loads of times before. Probably more than most, and not just regular colours, but weird ones: purple, blue, pink, brown, orange, red, blonde - and I'm not just talking streaks ... I'm talking my whole head.

Yeah, I was in the hospital when I had my purple hair (for an operation regarding my head) and it was painful right? Like, come on, slicing your head open equals automatic pain, unless you're like ... superman or something. And I highly doubt you are superman (sorry!). Anyway, I wake up from the operation and the nurse kept telling me how much she liked my hair. I can't blame her or anything, I mean, it WAS cool; I just didn't necessarily want to hear it right when I thought I would die of dizziness and pain all rolled into one. And I didn't want to hear it like 5 times in a half hour, I got it the first time thanks (although I was a little loopy, so maybe I didn't get it the first time).

Oh, speaking of, I was on morphine though - damn babe, that's some powerful stuff, you know? Apparently I kept seeing Barney, and then I would cry when he wouldn't hug me. I DON'T LIKE BARNEY - he gives me the heebie jeebies, so I have no idea where that behaviour came from. And apparently I was talking a lot and yelling at the nurse because I thought she was plotting against me to take my food away. Yeah, I don't remember this part but my parents told me afterward. I curse them for not bringing a video camera because ... I would have paid to see this. Make a note: if you know someone who is going under morphine, video tape them - you will, most likely that is - unless the person is the most boring person alive, not regret it!

Oh, and speaking of video cameras, I stumbled across this old home video in my computer files and it's hilarious. I look like crap of course, it was taken in the summer where my personal appearance decreases greatly, and I just had a blue ring pop, but it's more about what I'm doing in this video: demonstrating the laws of physics. He he. Maybe I'll have to show it to you ... It's embarrassing though because I look like such a ditz on the account that I won't stop laughing. I blame it on the ring pop I had prior. Sugar just does weird things to me.

Oh what the heck, take a look see. And do not laugh. Stop laughing. Oh, you're going to laugh - whatever - a laugh a day keeps the doctor away ... or maybe that's something else?

Twilight and Blathers

Ok, yes, I know, I'm bad. I haven't posted in awhile. Really, it's not because I haven't been trying, because I have been: I have about a gazillion half drafts started, I've just been going through a bit of a writer's block. Everything I have written lately has been major shiz (like the really stinky kind) and I haven't bothered posting because of that.

Honestly, not much has happened lately. I mean, I could tell you about my day, but since it mainly consists of sleeping, reading, eating and melting (no really - it's SO hot outside right now and our air conditioning sucks big time balls), I'm pretty sure I would bore you to tears. It's really not that exciting lately. I think the biggest excitement I've had in the past few days is going to work with my dad, and really ... watching him try to fix a laptop and talk to his boss isn't all that exciting (shocking, I know, but it's true).

Oh, on the plus side I got into a class that I was wait listed for at University so woot. It was a geography class, and I have a feeling geography might end up being my major, so that's always good. If I can get into the other two classes I've been wait listed for, I'll be super duper happy. That's right, I went there: not just super, but super duper.

Last night I watched New Moon. Yes, I was really bored. Let me say for the record, it was purely scientific in nature; I merely wanted to compare zee movie to zee books. Yes, I've read the books - all of them. But wait! Before you judge, I only read it so a friend would read the greatest book series ever, far superior to Twilight, aka Harry Potter; it was a trade-off of sorts, although very unfair for me. In my defense, I cried while reading them: I felt like my IQ dropped 349240 points with every word I read.

And, while watching the movie, I felt my brain gooping out of my ears. I do not recommend the movie, no siree. Really, there's like no plot, just these moony teenagers giving each other the googly eyes and professing their love/hatred for one another ... hardly intellectually stimulating and it's pretty easy to sum up (spoiler alert):

Edward: I love you Bella
Bella: I love you too
Jacob: But Bella what about me?
Bella: You're a really good ... friend
Edward: I hate you Bella. I never want to see you again.
Bella: Ok. *goes off to be miserable*
Jacob: Snap out of it Bella, love me instead! I'll never hurt you.
Bella: I like hanging out with you.
Jacob: *turns into a werewolf*
Bella: You said you wouldn't hurt me!
Jacob: I still love you, no matter how rude I am.
Bella: I miss Edward.
Edward: Bella, I don't want to live without you anymore.
Bella: Ditto.
Jacob: What about me Bella?!
Bella: It will always be Edward.
Jacob: *pouts*

... I mean really, I don't think the movie needed to be two hours. Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter: it's a cash cow, and we've gotta milk that sucker till it's dry! Oh Hollywood, how I despise you sometimes.

I don't really think I have anything else to say except, "If you were to take a burning ember, somehow quickly make it look like a delicious mint, offer it to someone and get them to eat it, it is totally possible for you to cause someone to die of 'ember-as-mint'. But while everyone should applaud your terrible/great pun, it probably won't get you sympathy for your murder charge, you know?"

Something To Think About